THINGS I LOST IN THE FIRE (The Insecurities of Me)

July 13, 2016

 Today, I sat outside and watched a house burn down. In the mist of the hysterical crowd, firemen douching flames with the hoses, people screaming and clutching their children near in the street, I stood there solemnly thinking about all the things  lost in the fire. Even though I should have been screaming or crying, it was almost like I couldn't. The tears welled in my ducts but my body would not release. All I did was stand there, staring into the flames, as they beautifully destroyed the home. My mind wondered as I stood there lifelessly. In that housed so many treasures things existed, but the things that could never replaced are what no one was thinking about. 

 

It made me think about the day that I caught on fire. The day when I stood in the mist of an inferno looking at the calm that surrounded where I stood. i could see the illumination of the flames the engulfed me but I felt no pain but the pain in my heart because of the things I was loosing as I burned. in this moment I could see things, that usually are only spoken. I saw feelings, leave my body almost as if my mind was writing them in the flames that surrounded me as they left my body. The feeling that you get when you spend that night just sitting next to someone, talking, and the conversation is so stimulating that even when no one is saying anything you can smile because your young hearts are speaking to each other. The warmth you feel after watching an episode of The Cosby show and you realize that even though Rudy shouldn't have touched the blender, she learned a valuable lesson, and after you think a little harder, so did you.  The feeling you get when that horrible secret that you having been holding finally releases itself in a vulnerable moment and you realize that the person you told has connected with you, and you have elevated your friendship and you each other through new eyes. All these feelings I watched swirl around me in the flames and leave my body. And just like that, the flames stopped and the room was dark. The illumination from the flames no longer existed, and I was alone.

 

Then came the other feelings. Insecurity, Loneliness, and despair, they helped me up the floor and took me to another room, where misery was sitting in a chair, with another seat next to him. He smiled at me, with a look a sinister look, almost like he had been waiting for me, and patted the seat next to him. I looked around the room, it was filled with all the things that kept me bound to unhappiness, the walls covered with the words that allowed me to stay in the same place for this long, things people said to that kept me standing still, mentally and physically. As I approached the seat, I reached down in my pocket and found a matchbook, as i flipped it over to the back it had the word "ignite" written on the back. In this moment i was taken to a different state. I struck one match, and as the tiny light flickered with in the large dark room, Misery, Insecurity, Loneliness and Despair all backed up. I struck another match, and I looked around and saw the walls started to sweat. I ripped the matches from the book, lit them all at once and threw the lit book at the seat next to Misery. The room exploded, and I went blank.

 

I the next thing I remember was standing outside, watching a house burn down. In the mist of the hysterical crowd, firemen dousing flames with the hoses, people screaming and clutching their children near in the street, I stood there solemnly thinking about all the things  lost in the fire. Even though I should have been screaming or crying, it was almost like I couldn't. The tears welled in my ducts but my body would not release. All I did was stand there, staring into the flames, as they beautifully destroyed the home.

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